in love with a ladyboy

[lblavr]

hi there,for 6 or so years I enjoyed the company of lbs without getting too emotional.
7 months ago I met a great girl in SIN and she contacted me by sms hundreds of times. eventually me met again in BKK and for the last 4 months we are together.we see each other 3 times per months for 4 days or so and now we rent an apartment together ,which i am paying.she stopped working,to care for me,as she said.
we talk together every day ,she tells me that she loves me and the plan is to move together next year,meaning i will spend more time in bkk ...
by coincidence i found her on a dating site,asking for romance,marriage and more...
(i had no intention of looking for someone else,as I love my lb very much,i simply browsed for the sake of browsing)
now i am shocked to see that she is looking for other men to visit her and i would not be surprised that she fucks around while i am not there!
being in love is blinding,i know. my reason tells me that no honest girl or lb would do such thing. but i must admit i am lost .
is there any sense of talking,or is this a clear stop sign?

[rxpharm]

Before you jump to conclusions - you should check the date of the ad you saw. It may be an old one she had up before you got "serious".

Once you've determined that - then you have to decide how to proceed.

I can say that it is very difficult to get a p4p lb out of the scene. It isn't impossible, but next to it.

While I don't know the circumstances, your background, her background, etc., if you don't have much in common it contributes to the difficulty of making a relationship last.

If it turns out the ad is recent, I think you need to discuss it with her. She may explain that she doesn't feel secure, and needs a backup. LBs are filled with insecurity, and often can't see a promising future.

Planning to move to BKK (as long as you have a good plan to continue earning income) is an excellent way to grow the relationship and truly see how serious it is. There's nothing like living together to test the waters.

Good luck, and try to keep an even keel when you discuss things with her.

[pacman]

Here's something I wrote while rxpharm was posting his reply. I do bear in mind the happy relationships that guys from this forum enjoy with LBs but notwithstanding that, I offer an alternative viewpoint.

* * * * * * * * *

It is a harsh truth to discover that you have been conned but I would expect nothing less from a transgender prostitute whose entire raison d'etre is to make money.

If not for money, she would be happily living her life in LOS & not be pursuing farangs for romance online. With the promise of money she will act out the role of faithful loving mistress as long as you keep paying.

And forget any notion of her actually loving you, it is a standard joke among them that the more they use the word, the more the farang pays. What she might say to keep you happy & what she really feels are two different things. In my considered opinion.

I am not suggesting that LBs can never know love but she is far more likely to fall for some handsome young Thai guy than an older farang. Possible but unlikely. Fairytales are nice but check your mirror & ask if you are a handsome prince.

Cut your losses immediately lblavr, don't try to negotiate with her, don't even talk to her. Change your phone number, change your lock & avoid the places she frequents.

Whatever you have spent on her consider it an investment in education & cut your losses before she wrecks your life. Broken hearts do mend but you must start on it today.

Reading your post it is clear you aren't sure of her motives. Let me clue you in, you are very convenient to keep money coming in until she can find someone better. Dump her before she dumps you.

Too harsh?

[rxpharm]

lblavr, Pacman's reply is probably the more realistic of the two posted so far.

Think things over carefully before doing anything rash.

[lblavr]

to the both of you,rxpharm and pacman: many thanks for your thoughts and advice.in my heart I feel you are right,my love for her still blocks me.
1 month ago we got engaged in HKG ,took her there 1rst class Emirates. She had never seen anything like that before. I bought her a nice diamond ring,which she wears everytime we are together.Our plans are to marry next year in Europe,the idea being to eventually get a passport enabling her to travel the way I do.
2 months ago she used my computer to check her mails and forgot to close the browser,so I found out that some 12 hours after we engaged,she asked a guy she had not contacted in 4 months,so before we ever met,to see him again. there were some 10 other mails she sent,many of them depicting pictures I had taken of her just hours before.I confronted her with that and she started to cry:" am bad,am bad" then convincing me it was a mistake she did as she was not certain about my intentions!!!!!!
after an hour or so of on-skype-crying she convinced me she only loves and wants me,to please forgive her.
I did.
Now I am at the beginning of this thread and I know she is in contact with other men,
I am 30 years older and I told her I considered that a big obstacle only to be assured she likes me just the way I am!
I feel fooled,yet I miss her
and I hope my ratio will take control over my feelings

[f0xxee]

See Pacmans response for the most rational answer.

As one in a ladyboy relationship 3 years after meeting my current partner, I am still surprised and the lack of understanding most ladyboys have of falangs. They really don't get us.
Why?
Simply because everything they know about us falangs they learnt in Walking Street or similar and they see us all as same same but different. We are all treated by the rules they learnt in Falang 101 be it Nana or Walking Street.
Same same but different. Never have those words been more truly used than to define falangs in the eyes of ladyboys.
Mate your last post says it all. Don't let lust and a need to win over-rule your rational and logical self.
After 3 years living in Thailand with a ladyboy who is reasonably together I can confirm that I am not particularly happy. Not that there is any cheating or foul play by either party.
Just a mile wide cultural chasm that I cannot bridge and she doesn't see exists.
Perhaps Thai men are more independent than us, and don't need the reassurance of feeling appreciated and loved. (Actually I know the answer to this. They need reassurance and love from the Mia Noi, that is what she is there for. The wife is a secretary come breeding factory.)
I am at the stage where honestly I cannot see the reason why any man would have a live in relationship with a ladyboy, unless she came from money and therefore had some appreciation and value of money, hard work and discipline. And good luck finding one of those.
I ask myself: what is the advantage in settling with a ladyboy in LOS? Can't get married. Can't get any visa, property etc.

So... keep the ladyboys as toys gents.

Its sad but its taken me 3 years to see the light. I love the Missus and she loves me... but the lack of motivation, drive, care, responsibility, understanding etc etc is doing my head in.

[L B F]

You are being taken advantage of.

Finding a P4P player to change her ways is 99.9% impossible...

...but it actually can happen.

But it takes someone who values your friendship MORE than your wallet - and that's asking a lot.

Clearly (judging from what you have given us to play with) you want it more than she does.

I'd keep looking... but in different places.

"The One" IS out there, but I don't think that she is it.

[pacman]

12 hours after you asked her to marry you, you discover she has been on your computer asking to meet another man.... hmmmm....

And she sent another 10 emails to other men using pictures you had just taken of her... hmmmm.....

And all she can say is "am bad, am bad"... hmmmm.....

And then you let your heart rule your head by accepting her treachery & allowing her to stay... hmmmm...

This is far worse than I thought & you have made a bad problem far worse by revealing yourself as someone who can be manipulated forever.

Time to man up lblavr & take back your life... NOW... before you lose more than your dignity & self respect.

This LB has struck gold with you now that she knows that you will meekly accept her worst behaviour & will still fly her first class on holidays & presumably buy whatever she asks for.

Her utter contempt for you is boundless & if you spoke Thai, you would die a thousand times over with embarrassment by the way she would be referring to you with her friends.

LBs on the make for money know no shame & can be very cruel in showing their contempt for their "golden goose".

I repeat my earlier advice - cut your losses immediately & dump her before she finds someone to replace you. AND DON'T CONTACT HER OR TRY TO TALK TO HER. It is obvious she has your measure & you are not strong enough to resist her.

[f0xxee]

Agreed 100%.

Ask yourself: if you knew her only 3 months before asking her to marry you, (I think I got the math right here) and you don't live in TH so during that period you have hardly seen her,
and if she just happens to be a hard core bar girl from , say Soi 6 Pattaya, are you really in love with her? or is it purely lust and the fact you can't stand the idea of her screwing other dudes?

Wake up. She's not in love and neither are you. Its a fixation. She made you suck the bedsheets up your ass and you are now fixated.

CUT
YOUR
LOSSES.

[pacman]

(f0xxee @ Dec. 26 2011,14:04) Wake up. She's not in love and neither are you. Its a fixation.

You have hit the nail on the head! This is so true...

To yearn for a girl who makes you feel wonderful & performs magic in bed when you have been without it for so long is perfectly understandable.

But to ignore every warning that she is nothing more than an attractive whore who is out to enrich herself without regard for your welfare is to be in a state of denial.

It is utterly bewildering to hold such strong feelings for someone who thinks so little of you that they can treat you with such disdain but you have to see her for what she is. While she has this hold on you, you want to believe that she will return your "love".

She won't, especially when she has seen how easily you can be manipulated. What she will do is tell you anything you want to hear once she realises that you will cut off the money supply.

There are so many of these clever actresses in Asia, they play this game brilliantly because it is how they earn money. You are not Thai, you are 30 years older & you don't know her culture, eat her food, pray at her temple or speak her language.

All she had to do is make you ejaculate & now she is the object of your heart. You are free to "love" her all you wish, just don't expect the feeling to be reciprocated.

She made you suck the bedsheets up your ass...

I think I would like someone who can do that...

I will pay her by the hour & promise to love her very much while she is performing such masterful work. When we are finished, no more money & no more love....

until next time...

[L B F]

Unfortunately I have to agree with the above postings.

But one option is to keep playing her game till you get over her.

Look at her first thing in the morning and imagine her ten years older...

Would you still feel the same way about her?

If you really believe that you would then the start of your journey to win her out of her current life hasn't even begun yet.

Believe me, I know!

[rxpharm]

lblavr, it was difficult, but thanks for sharing about the circumstances of the relationship. The guys seemed to have piled on, but essentially in your heart you know it is true.

So the question is how to end it, or do you play the game for a while to see what happens. It will cost you more if you go for the latter, and actually may make you feel worse in the long run.

Don't think you are alone, it's happened to many in the past and will to many more in the future. However, if your goal really is a LTR with an lb, your best chance would be to meet someone who isn't p4p, or has only been in p4p a short time. Once they've been at it for a couple of years or more, odds are not good that a relationship is possible.

It's a hard thing to deal with especially during the holiday season, keep your chin up, and good luck with whatever you plan!

[lblavr]

I am so happy about your thoughts and inputs,especially as they have almost a scientific appearance,with clear thoughts and thoughtful conclusions!
as of tomorrow I will be with her again for a few days and I will confront her.
I will demand access to her email and dating account and will offer the same to her about my email account.
From there on I will take a decision.
so by the 1 January things will hopefully be straight

ps: she has been a post-op for exactly 1 year and as she states on the dating site she is "very attractive".
nevertheless she told me 2 months ago that those mails meant nothing as it is very difficult for a post op to find a man anyway and I should I should not worry and trust her.

[L B F]

or....

...you could let her keep her email account private and stay out of that side of her affairs.

Insecurity may compel you to unravel her history and online activities but it'll only lead to more distrust. It certainly can't do you or her any good.

She has a point... finding a genuine suitor for life is as hard for her as she says it is. You can't blame her for following a back up plan.

If you are really serious about this person then it is YOU that is going to have to make the sacrifices.

The sacrifices you will make will be both professional and social. You'll be giving up your whole lifestyle in the pursuit of one person...

Is it gonna be worth it?

For me, at the time, I thought it was... over three years later I still feel the same way.

It's fucking hard work, though!

[azza33]

(f0xxee @ Dec. 25 2011,20:07) As one  in a ladyboy relationship 3 years after meeting my current partner, I am still surprised and the lack of understanding most ladyboys have of falangs. They really don't get us.
Why?
Simply because everything they know about us falangs they learnt in Walking Street or similar and they see us all as same same but different.  We are all treated by the rules they learnt in Falang 101 be it Nana or Walking Street.
Same same but different. Never have those words been more truly used than to define falangs in the eyes of ladyboys.
Mate your last post says it all. Don't let lust and a need to win over-rule your rational and logical self.
After 3 years living in Thailand with a ladyboy who is reasonably together I can confirm that I am not particularly happy. Not that there is any cheating or foul play by either party.
Just a mile wide cultural chasm that I cannot bridge and she doesn't see exists.
Perhaps Thai men are more independent than us, and don't need the reassurance of feeling appreciated and loved. (Actually I know the answer to this. They need reassurance and love from the Mia Noi, that is what she is there for. The wife is a secretary come breeding factory.)
I am at the stage where honestly I cannot see the reason why any man would have a live in relationship with a ladyboy, unless she came from money and therefore had some appreciation and value of money, hard work and discipline. And good luck finding one of those.
I ask myself: what is the advantage in settling with a ladyboy in LOS? Can't get married. Can't get any visa, property etc.

So... keep the ladyboys as toys gents.

Its sad but its taken me 3 years to see the light. I love the Missus and she loves me... but the lack of motivation, drive, care, responsibility, understanding etc etc is doing my head in.

Fascinating reading Foxxee.  

I wonder if some of the issues you are facing relate to age differences?

I've never been in any long term relationship with a LB, but I'd have to say your observations are astute & something i've noticed about most LB i have met on my many trips to Thailand.

I suspect it due more to the environment we meet these girls rather than an across the board problem.
I think if we had the chance to meet ladyboys who are university students we would see motivated people who are striving for a future with dreams and ambitions just like any other person.

The poor P4P girls never had the chance; poor farming backgrounds, no work opporunities, limited education etc - the only hope many of them was to listen to the stories of those who went before them and seek out their own golden goose by selling their asses.

This is not to say these girls are stupid - i have met plenty of smart ladyboys, but sadly they don't have the drive.

I did meet one ladyboy who was completely with it - a miss Tiffany entrant - from a wealthy family. Smart, highly motivated and an ideal person to spend quality time with - shame about the Thai boyfriend. I was fortunate enough to meet her a couple of times in the Ratchda road clubs whilst hanging out with another lb friend.

********

LBLAVR - get out while you can - or purchase a copy of Confessions of a Bangkok Private Eye - and open your mind to what really happens behind the scene - then get out!