The jokes thread...

[whore]

My shrink tells me am obsessed with revenge. I'll show him.

[Road Runner]

When I said I was going to become a comedian everybody laughed.

They're not laughing now!

RR.

[pacman]

    Fabulous.      

I know its not original, I think its a Jimmy Carr line but I laughed just as much when I saw it here as when I first heard it. Thanks for reminding me.

[Steff]

Yup, it is Jimmy Carr alright!!! He's priceless.

[Rick Shaw]

Actually, it's a Bob Monkhouse original along with:

My dad was really mean to us. I remember when he took us out for tea and biscuits and I had to tell him that I didn't like giving blood.

Mind you, most jokes are a Bob Monkhouse original. he was around for ever.

[Steff]

That's funny! I do not know Monkhouse. But if he originated this material he must be special. What I like about Carr is his dry deliveries and facial expressions while cupping his hands like an innocent choir boy.

[Jake_Sully]

(mirimark @ Jul. 25 2010,21:25)  FUCKING PRICLESS  
You owe me a beer Jake for the one I just Spit all over the FLoor.

Sure thing when we meet up for but just remember don't bring any Pander Bears. Pandering to the best!

[Steff]

That bear looks like he has a few beers himself.

[seanbeag7]

I don't know if these dumb blond jokes have been told here before, but these are for Tan,

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied,

"I won her in a raffle!"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde:

Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!


A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."


A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"


A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"



Tan enjoy them

[laputanegra]

Thanks john i love blond jokes, i believe there's a lil blond in me

[Jake_Sully]

Brunettes can have fun too Tan.

Watch:

[mirimark]

[Grinder]

"Dad, dad... I've just had sex with the girl next door!"

"That's OK son... I hope you wore something."

"Of course - a balaclava!"

[Guest]

(Rick Shaw @ Jul. 26 2010,18:14) Actually, it's a Bob Monkhouse original along with:

My dad was really mean to us. I remember when he took us out for tea and biscuits and I had to tell him that I didn't like giving blood.

Mind you, most jokes are a Bob Monkhouse original. he was around for ever.

Yeah Monkhouse was the comedian's comedian-highly intelligent man with a photographic memory-he wrote a great autobiography also.



A woman comes back from a medical examination,her husband asks"what did the doctor say?"

She replies" the doctor said I have the tits and arse of an 18 year old"

her husband replies "huh...and what did he say about your 40 year old cunt?"

she says"he never mentioned you"

[Grinder]

Woman comes home after selling herself down Beach Road.

"How much did you make?" asks the husband.

"1,500 baht and 50 satang," she says.

"What??? Who the fuck gave you 50 satang?" he asks.

"They all did..."

Comedy gold...