The jokes thread...

[Freebird]

Ah, that one hurt my brains... outsch...

[rxpharm]

Merged the two joke threads together.

[stogie bear]

Thanks for merging the threads...

Hey, MM... I couldn't find it either...

How did you end up doing it?

[mirimark]

(stogie bear @ May 09 2008,15:29) Thanks for merging the threads...

Hey, MM... I couldn't find it either...

How did you end up doing it?

Lets just say an 18pack of Budwieser gives me a Lot of Determination & persistance.      

  Page by Page.   I just had to slow down and actually read every thing instead of scimming for keywords.

  I thought I was the one who originated the Jokes thread but it was really you.   Ooops !  


Hey Stogie Fucker,   didn't you Like your 1955 Chevy in the ATS Racing Topic , Or your  Silver 1971 Nova !

[Guest]

An Irish guy walks into a mosque and says "shit I'm in the wrong joke"..

[jimslim]

Amy Whinehouse meets Jeremy Clarkson at one of those celebrity parties .

"What do you do ?" She asks .

"Im on top gear " he replies .

"Well give us three grams then " Says Amy .

[Dieter]

....

[Grinder]

Dirk Kuyt walks into a Burger King and the bird asks him for his order.

"Two whoppers please," says the Dutch twat.

"Certainly - you're a handsome cunt and a brilliant striker..."

[kahuna]

You Brits are upholding all that has ever been said about British humor...

But the really frightening things is, I understand Dieter's joke...

[Naang Faa]

A Scouse antique collector walks into a store in Liverpool. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat. He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?" The storekeeper says "Ten pounds for the rat. One hundred and twenty pounds for the story." The guy says "What's the story?" The storekeeper says "I wont tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty pounds." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store. He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge. A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd, but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river. He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty pounds." The guy shakes his head and says "Fuck the story. How much for the brass Manc?"
x

[seanbeag7]

[seanbeag7]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don''t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There''s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer''ll tell you what''s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren''t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don''t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[seanbeag7]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender congradulates him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house."

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

[seanbeag7]

A man came home to find his wife in bed with his friend,

"What's going on here?" demanded the husband.

"See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."

[seanbeag7]

God spoke to Adam. "Adam I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will give you two organs to give you great power and pleasure. I will give you a brain to enable you to think and to control the world. And I will give you a penis to give great pleasure in lovemaking."

"Sounds great God!" said Adam. "But what's the bad news?"

"You only have enough blood to work one at a time."